The Galdoren Gazette

THE KINGDOM’S PREMIER NEWSPAPER 

The Galdoren Gazette has been the Kingdom of Galdoren’s leading newspaper for over five decades, serving the greater regions of Whispering Falls, East Elvenshire, the Dark Forest and Pemberton-on-Wellingsworth.

The Gazette has won awards in every major category in journalism, including the Amanda Sprite Award for Excellence in Journalism; the Pixie Prize for Feature Reporting; the Alchemist’s Choice Award for Excellence in Copy Editing; and several Wandies.

Our staff continues to uphold the high standards and uncompromising principals of our founder, Sir Reginald Cheddarpants, as we continue to be the kingdom’s number one news source.

For more articles, please visit The Galdoren Gazette’s archive.

Cooking with Cwendhilda:

Dear Readers,

Upon returning home from the Culinary Sorcerers’ Convention last week, I emptied my suitcase and got a nasty surprise. A sample of BBQ Orc Sauce that I snuck out of the convention had opened up in my suitcase and all of my clothes were covered in a sticky red sauce. Not only that, everything had the distinct odor of orc snot (one of the main ingredients in this delicious marinade). Luckily, a cellar sprite I met at the convention had given me a new cleaning potion recipe. Figuring I had nothing to lose, I tried it and was amazed at how well it worked! Not only were my clothes spotless and wrinkle-free, but a minty-fresh elvenweed scent clung to each garment. So, dear readers, I would like to now share this recipe with you!

Wrinkle-Free Laundry Potion

Yield: Cleans and presses 5-6 baskets of dirty laundry

Magic Level: Intermediate

Ingredients:

  • 1/4 cup orc fang, finely chopped
  • 2 tablespoons dragon tears (see article below, 5 Ways to Make a Dragon Cry)
  • 1 ½ cups eye of newt broth (wrap and freeze the eyes for later use)
  • 1 teaspoon table salt
  • 2 strands djinn hair
  • 1/3 cup mashed gargoyle claw
  • 2 teaspoons ground elvenweed

In a large cauldron on medium-high heat, cook the orc fang, dragon tears and eye of newt broth until boiling. Remove the orc fang with a slotted spoon and discard. Reduce the heat to low and stir in the salt and djinn hair. When mixture bubbles a milky green, add the remaining ingredients, stirring well. Cover and simmer for 10 minutes. Remove from heat.

When mixture is fully cooled, pour ½ cup over basket of dirty clothes and twirl wand over top 3 times. When clothing begins to spark, remove wand.

*Do NOT cast spell while potion is still hot as laundry may explode.* Store remaining potion in a glass bottle in a dark cupboard.

5 Ways to Make a Dragon Cry

Contrary to popular belief, most dragons are actually quite sensitive. Beneath that fearsome hard-shelled exterior beats the heart of a poet. This is best exemplified by Galdoren’s 27th poet laureate, Mordan the Magnificent, most famous for his touching tribute to dandelions:

 

Ode to a Dandelion

Oh, gentle yellow-bellied bud

swaying  proudly in the breeze

woulds’t that thou not be plucked

just because you make me sneeze

 

Like magic in the night

thy golden petals turn to white

and children blow your seed

leaving just your spiky weed.

 

Trampled beneath the hoof of a faun

your rosette head

smashed across the lawn

your broken stem bleeding white

amidst the green

as if thy lovely bloom

had never been

 

- Mordan the Magnificent

Thus, if you are caught on a cold winter’s night craving Weeping Stew or any other number of recipes that call for Dragon Tears but your cupboards are bare, simply use these tried-and-true tricks on the nearest dragon and your potion bottles will be filled with tears in no time.

How to Make a Dragon Cry:

  1. Sing “The Ballad of the Homeless Sprite”.
  2. Ask the dragon to tell you about its first love.
  3. Steal its teddy bear (all dragons are notoriously attached to their teddies, as it is traditional for mother dragons to give their offspring a bear on their first hatchday).
  4. Tell the dragon its breath stinks (have you ever noticed how shiny their fangs are? That’s because dragons take great pride in their dental hygiene).
  5. Tickle the dragon under its wingpit until tears come to its eyes. All dragons are extremely ticklish and the wingpit is an especially sensitive area.

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